They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
