And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
