just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
