A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
