you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
