Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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