No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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