So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
