She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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