so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
