She tied me up with her honor cords...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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