They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
