I am midnight drunk by noon
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
