Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
