Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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