I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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