Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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