I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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