the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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