I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
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Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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