I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
