I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Randomize
