I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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