I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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