A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
