rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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