you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
