Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
