I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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