her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
