dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
