Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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