I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize