1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
