I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
