i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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