take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
