I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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