I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
