Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
