no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
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Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
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So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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