the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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