I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
