My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
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please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
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He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
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