In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
how does that bad decision feel?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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