the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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