if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
