fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
