he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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