I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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