I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
