I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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