dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He shit in the fireplace
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize