you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
