My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
