I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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